Like many of you, I learned about conscious creation because I thought I lost someone that I loved. After my breakup, I spent most of my days watching countless videos on how to get my ex back to console my broken heart. Everything around me showed me that free will existed and if after x time he would not come back, I needed to move on. I was so desperate at the time that I did not want to believe in that information. There should be something more.
I still remember the tingling feeling within me while watching my first video on conscious manifestation and the law, and something just clicked. It was everything I was looking for my entire life. I knew that, finally, all of my dreams could finally come through. However, I was still frantic, and I felt that everything was an obstacle, especially my negative thoughts and emotions. Consequently, I started to feel trapped. How could I live my life now that I knew that I could create every circumstance, bad or good? How could I manifest what I wanted if my ego refuses to shut up? How could I heal if I were not supposed to feel pain?
For months, I micromanaged every single thought that I had. I would fall asleep affirming and would wake up affirming. If by any chance I had a bad dream, I would affirm. If I woke up in the middle of the night and felt anxiety, I would affirm. I watched youtube videos and read success stories every day to reassure me. I started to feel so tired of all the effort, of all the struggling. Maybe I was missing something so, I started looking for answers. More techniques that never worked, affirming more. The highs were highs, but the lows were so low. I was so afraid of being afraid, that I started to feel like I was going mad. I even started to wish that I could unlearn everything I knew about the law.
I had tried every single technique and I knew all the information that was out there, however something was not right. Nevertheless, even in the moments when I wanted to give up, something inside me did not let me. In a moment of turmoil, I found this website. From that day on, I knew my life had changed, forever. I resonated with every article, every podcast, every single word. But I had lived for so many months in fear that I could not just be. During that time, I loved what Nicole called in one of her articles a “twisted mind”. Listening to Neville’s lectures and reading the articles from this website made me feel like I could conquer the world. On the low days, it brought me solace and hope. I had these beautiful moments where everything was beaming and expansive. I felt the truth of it all, that sometimes was startling. I would wake up the next morning with this horrible anxiety, and everything that I felt before felt like a lie. I would fall for the illusion again. I really thought I was going to go insane since I believed in all of these impossible things, that I was a fool.
I did not know what to do. My fears and my anxiety became like a shadow and I was starting to feel completely lost. But, I believed. I truly believed in these teachings and I wanted to get better. Of course, the shift that needed to happen took some time, particularly for me because I came from a very low point. I recall how arduous it was and I wanted to badly stop the pendulum. I wanted to be the person that I was supposed to be. I wanted to embrace this journey. With the guidance of my beautiful True Self, I understood what I needed to do was to deal with my fears. For almost half a year all I did was suppress the horrible emotions that I had inside of me. I hated the feeling of anxiety that I felt in my heart and in my chest, and the thought that I was messing everything up or that I needed to start everything all over again.
During meditation, I set the intention to release everything. On that day, I declared to my myself that I would deal with whatever my ego threw at me. I realized that my negative thoughts and old beliefs emerging were not contrary to my desire, but they were part of the fulfilment, part of the journey. It was my job to sit with those feelings and clear them out in order to heal. So that is what I did. I sat with them and it was shattering. I cried like I never cried before in my life for three days. I thought it would be never ending. I ended up booking a session with Kriston and she explained many things, that I do not need to be afraid, that I am stronger than I think, and that things cannot go wrong.
After that, things started turning around. I still have many days of disbelief, anxiety and falling for the illusion of my ego-identifications. I still cry and there’s still parts of me that I am afraid of. I am still human, and I do not like to feel pain. But now, on these days, I am softer with myself. I still have many questions, and there are many things that I still do not understand but I know I will get there. This has been my journey, full of ups and downs but, I trust the process. Every time I struggle is an invitation to go within. And to me, this is what persistence is truly about. After a year of discovering the truth, I am discovering parts of myself that I thought would never be inside of me – beauty, confidence, joy and tons of gratitude.
See your struggles as an opportunity to heal, even when it seems inconceivable. I am still healing but I always return to my faith. I always return to the Love that I really am. There is absolutely nothing to lose. Take a deep breath and trust yourself, trust the process. I still remind myself of that.
“I am Love reincarnated rediscovering myself in my human shelf.”