When I look at my person, and I communicate with him, I don’t see someone that needs to be changed, or that I need to influence. I don’t see him as a separate being from me, that I need to fix. I don’t view that moment I am with him, to grab onto my legs and hope I don’t “mess” things up, or fear that he may say something that may trigger me. I don’t feel the need to make sure I am validated, or analyze every word he says.
When I look at him, I see myself. I see every aspect of him, as me. I feel open, and welcoming, and comfortable, like I can be myself. Well, because I am speaking to myself. I see and feel love. I see the growth in him, because I realize the growth in me. When I speak to him, I don’t look for the next thing to change, or what more I need to work on. I look for the lovely aspects of him, because that’s what I do when I look at myself, and when I remember who I really am.
I don’t feel the need to be chased, because I feel the love that we already are, in every moment. I know he loves and adores me, and will be there for me, because that’s what I see when I see him. I saw it when we were at our worse, and he told me he liked someone else, and that he was no longer in love with me. And even now when we are at our best and in an amazing relationship, and improving every single day, I still see it. I am not in fear that things will revert back to the “old times”.
I know why I had created that in the past. It was a “reoccurring pattern” in my life, to be chosen as “second”. In that moment when he told me that, about another person, I stopped and laughed. I didn’t see it as an opportunity to remember my patterns, or how I had always been “hurt”. I saw it as an opportunity to not have this be part of my life any longer. I decided, no way, I am not settling for less this time. This isn’t going to be my reoccurring pattern. I didn’t entertain anything, and I held true to my assumption and knowing that we are both in love with each other and meant to be. I held within me that he truly loves me, no matter what, and that this thing that came up, was just another opportunity for me to grow and remember who I really am.
Not long after, this is exactly how things unfolded. And because I realized even more how powerful I am, and that my person is every aspect of me, our relationship became even more amazing than it was before.
How are you viewing your person? Do you anticipate that things will go bad? Do you look at them and only see yourself, and the best of what they are? Do you see this as an opportunity to become comfortable in who you are? Or do you view it as a moment to point out how broken you are, and that you’ve had this type of pattern your entire life?
I didn’t choose the latter. It was what the old Jen would have always done. But this time, I chose different, and I am so glad I did.